By Linda Shaffer
I have spent my research time this week trying to remember when I knew an old person who didn’t have a house plant. I could not think of a one. I have known young people who let plants die. I’d like to tell you they were well-meaning but they weren’t. They expected the plant to figure out how to live without water or sunlight or heat. In some radical cases, the plants had to go without all of those things before they gave up trying. The humans who were responsible for these plants weren’t responsible. Good thing they didn’t have kids. Maybe they matured before that happened. Yikes. Maybe not.
You would be correct in guessing that I am a plant person. I like them and I think most of them like me. Every once in a while there is an exception. Right now I am in a life-death struggle with a Gardenia. Most of you don’t give a doodle- squat about this but it’s a big deal in my life. I don’t get around much anymore and little things have become big. I’ve taken care of this plant for a almost a year and it refuses to thrive. I have talked with this plant, moved it, fertilized, trimmed and watered. This dying plant might have a clue because it’s only got a few living stems. It knows. The time has come to go, “Over The Bank”.
This is the place where Shaffer plants go when they don’t behave, get naughty diseases or invade space belonging to other plants. I know this might sound brutal but that’s the way it is. If you are a plant which lives at Shaffer House, there are rules to follow. Mess up…and you’re out. “Over the Bank” is a real place and it’s not pretty. For more than 30 years, this fine tradition has been upheld and the bank has witnessed the end of hundreds of wilted and dried plants with moldy dirt and funky bark. I prefer to think of it as compost but some of my friends can’t seem to get over the plant graveyard part.
There is no immunity for outdoor plants. If you fail to meet the standards and resist the part where I try to save your life through replanting, you’re a goner. I do try to save plants but like most people, I have limits. Watching the same plant die more than twice is mine. OK, maybe not.
Yes, I am writing as if I have a personal relationship with these plants because I do. I don’t know about your relationship with your plants but mine are part animal. I talk to them about all sorts of things. Some don’t thrive during the political season. They don’t like all the negative talk so I try to tone it down. I also turn the TV volume down so that they don’t get drowned in audio waves. I can’t imagine a worse fate than to lose a great plant to a loser. This just can’t happen. That’s why I am careful to check up on all the greenery in the house this time of year.
This is also the time of the year when the sun forces me to move indoor plants around the house to keep them alive. I turn on the heater, too. That changes other things and causes more plant movement. Certifiably nutty plantaholics do these sorts of things. Remember, I’m talking with these plants and watching them get burned by that sun and air dried by the heater. We are buddies and facing all the changes the winter months ahead will bring. There is something very gratifying about keeping plants alive and flourishing. This “something” is also calming and rewarding. So is my cat, but sometimes he bites me.
Like I said, I’ve never known a Geezer without a plant. Plants are quiet, mostly green, fairly obedient and low maintenance. They make great roommates because they will reward you with new foliage and lovely colors of green or purple or yellow or whatever color you choose. We love our plants, and they love us back and we need things to love. That’s just the way we are. The trick is to keep your Plantanimal the color it is supposed to be. Talk to it, water it, read the instructions which might come along with it, and enjoy your friendship.
I love my plants. If you are a plant-less Geezer, you should get a plant. This is the time of year to form a friendship that will get you through any kind of winter blahs. I would recommend more than one but don’t get crazy. I’ve already done that for you.
Have a great week my friends!