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EDITOR’S NOTE: It started several weeks ago – on a social media platform. A couple of women discussing the scenario, “would you rather meet a bear or a man in the woods?” And the reply was “a bear.” And it went viral. As more and more women chimed in, “Oh definitely a bear.” Then came the male outrage. What are you kidding a bear could kill you? Yes, but women are more afraid of a man. I’ve heard so many stories and helped so many women navigate out of abusive relationships. We ALL have our stories. Again, not all men are bad, but we’ve ALL had bad things happen because of men. April was Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention “month” – we’re taking this past one month. That’s prevention. We are going to be talking about this problem as much as possible so we can have some real change.
And we are starting with a story that’s difficult to read. We are also going to share these stories anonymously, because well you know, the bears are out there and it’s a small town. The women actually have given me permission to use their names, but I want to protect their identities and their safety because that’s what this is really about. We all need to work harder to make sure women feel safe EVERYWHERE, and that’s not the case today.
I’ve also included one of the viral memes below for more explanation. If you have a story to share, please reach out to editor@tillamookcountypioneer.net.
It’s powerfully important that we use our voices and continue to share this message that we aren’t going to take this anymore.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship or has concerns about someone, please contact Tides of Change at www.tidesofchangenw.org or if someone needs support, call 988 or the local support line 503-842-8201.
Trigger warning: sexual assaults
The whole “men or bears” debate has me thinking about why I would much rather deal with a bear in the woods than a man, so I’ll share my story.
When I was ten years old, one of my male classmates leaned over and bragged to me that he and some other boys had pinned a girl to the hay with pitchforks and gang raped her. He said he wanted to do it to me. I sat frozen and tried to ignore him, too scared to tell anyone.
When I was eleven, I was sexually molested by the adult neighbor whose house I had run to for help, to escape a beating by my drunken dad. He was supposed to be my friend.
When I was twelve, I was trying on hand me down mini skirts from my older sister and a house guest was making lecherous remarks and humiliating me. I felt ashamed of my developing body and wanted to hide.
When I was thirteen, I kissed a boy and when I wouldn’t let him go any further, he got mad and started a rumor that I was a slut. He was supposed to be my friend.
When I was fourteen I was once again assaulted, coerced into losing my virginity. He was supposed to be my friend.
When I was fifteen, an older boy on the school bus kept trying to run his hands up my thighs. He was supposed to be my friend.
When I was sixteen, I was studying in the hallway by the auditorium when I boy I knew ran up, jumped on my back, pinned me to the floor, and attempted to unhook my bra. He was supposed to be my friend.
From the ages of 14-18, I (like so many girls I knew) was pressured relentlessly by boys to have sex and rejected rudely when I didn’t. And if you say, “well that’s how boys are,” you might be part of the problem. Because that’s not okay.
When I was 18, I fell asleep alone in my own bed and woke up to being raped by someone I had trusted to stay in my apartment. I thought he was my friend. Later that same year, two male “friends” got me alone and tried to attack me. This time I was wide awake and they quickly learned that was a really bad idea. They were supposed to be my friends.
Throughout my life, I have been conditioned BY MEN to not trust men. My adult life has been full of close calls, crude remarks, objectification, uncomfortable encounters, threats, and creepy and predatory behaviors by men.
That hurts and it takes a toll. For years I tried to hide. I shielded my body with extra weight, then later I hid behind my hair. Sometimes I still do. Still working on accepting my body.
Sadly, I’m not unique. In the seven years I worked in the field of domestic and sexual violence, I came to hear so many other stories like mine, many of them waaaaaaay worse. We don’t feel safe. Almost every single woman I’ve talked to has similar stories to share.
If you’re a man and you are “offended” that women feel safer around bears than they do around men, drop the arrogance and do something about it. Stop being dismissive of women’s concerns.
If you are objectifying women, knock it off. If you are around other guys who are, grow some guts and tell them to knock it off. Just because you aren’t actively raping people doesn’t let you off the hook.
Your kids are watching. What are you teaching your sons and daughters about the worth of a woman?
That’s just a small start.
My biggest mistakes growing up were believing that boys and men were my friends and that’s sad.
I’ve never expected a bear to be my friend because no bear lied and pretended to be. At least with bears you know what you’re going to get.
If I see a bear, the expectation is to get away from it. We never had that choice with men and we were supposed to smile and be “nice” and put up with it. Bears are wild animals, but some men are too.
Of course not all men are bad. We need the wonderful men to help hold the others accountable for their crappy behavior. It shouldn’t have to be your own wife or daughter or loved one for you to care. And you might be surprised about some of the BS the women in your own life have endured that they haven’t told you about, because sadly, it’s nothing unusual.
This is 100 percent true.. For all the men who are big mad that women are saying they’d rather encounter a bear in the woods than a man.
For all the man screaming “this isn’t fair, it’s not all men!”
For all the men who are Stubbornly. Not. Getting. It.
First, we don’t care that it’s not fair. Second, you men are the whole reason this conversation exists. YOU made this problem. YOU.
A bear won’t hit you in the face with a brick if you won’t give it your phone number.
A bear won’t stalk you if it told you you’re pretty and you said you weren’t interested.
A bear won’t pretend to be kind to get you to lower your guard.
A bear won’t lock you in a basement for months to torture you.
A bear generally won’t bother you if you’re not bothering it.
If you encounter a bear, it will almost always retreat slowly because it means you no harm.
If you do get attacked by a bear and you say so, people will believe you.
No one will ask you what you were wearing that made the bear attack you.
No one will ask you how much you had to drink.
No one will ask you what you were thinking, being in the woods.
No one will ask you if you even tried to fight back.
No one will ask you if you led the bear to believe you wanted to be attacked.
No one will condemn you for not fighting back harder.
No one will arrest you for harming the bear.
No one will say you deserved the attack.
No one will ask how many bears you allowed to attack you before.
The bear won’t say you were asking for it.
The bear won’t say it was consensual.
The bear won’t try to convince everyone you’re lying.
The bear won’t get his buddies to maul you too.
The bear won’t threaten you to get you to keep the attack a secret.
If you survive a bear attack, you don’t have to worry that the bear might be good friends with medical staff or the police.
You won’t have to hear that you’re making it all up to get attention.
You won’t have your reputation called into question.
You won’t get called a slut.
People won’t tell you you’re paranoid for being cautious around bears.
People won’t tell you that not all bears are dangerous.
If a bear attacks you, you won’t be told it wouldn’t be fair to ruin the bear’s future by bringing it up.
You won’t be told the bear is from a nice family and they don’t deserve the humiliation of an arrest.
IF A BEAR ATTACKS YOU, WE KILL THE BEAR SO IT DOESN’T HARM ANYONE ELSE.
If you still don’t get it, consider this:
Many women in the woods carry bear spray…
…AND IT’S NOT BECAUSE OF BEARS.
And finally, ask yourself this: If you hear human footsteps near you in the woods, are you hoping it’s a man or a woman? Pretty much EVERY woman would be praying it’s a woman unless the woman is a “Pick Me Girl” psychotic who is sleeping with the bear and is jealous that the bear prefers your meat than hers.
In 2020-2022, bears killed a whopping 8 people in North America. Even if all 8 were women, that’s not even close to the approximately 12,000 women who were killed by men in that time period.
Bears = 8
Men = 12,000
It’s a real head scratcher guys. It’s a YOU problem.
